Surviving an Alien Abduction

According to Hawking, “If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans,” the Times quotes him as saying. Hawking expanded: “I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach.”

Surviving an Alien Abduction:

Intergalactic ambassadors of peace? More like sneaky space creeps.
Live through your ordeal with these tips.

To complete this how-to, you will need:
Mental focus
Acting ability
Brawling skills
Iron will
A disease
Reinforced undergarments
Aluminum foil or hubcaps (optional)

Step 1: Use mental powers to resist a telepathic assault, focus your mental activity against mind control by centering your thoughts on the word “no.” Use aluminum foil or hubcaps for lasting protection against brain rays.

Step 2: Fight To resist a physical assault, act submissive and intellectually inferior. When your captor gets close enough, surprise them with your cunning and agility.

Step 3: Resist interrogation; refuse any demands to take them to your leader. The minute you do you’ve gone from useful informant to cosmic snack.

Step 4: Use biological warfare; try to contaminate your captors by sneezing, coughing, breathing, and being grody in their general direction. Aliens are notoriously susceptible to earthborn diseases.

Step 5: Fight high-tech with low-tech to fend off the dreaded probe and other so-called scientific experiments, just slip on a sturdy pair of reinforced undergarments.

For continuous protection, wear these everyday under your regular clothing. Once the aliens realize they’re not getting any “scientific data” from you, you’ll be released alive, and with your earthling dignity intact.

Or, they’ll have you as a snack.


Did You Know?

Physicist Stephen Hawking believes aliens are almost certain to exist, and that human contact with them would be extremely dangerous.

Here is another approach to Surviving An Alien Abduction:

1. Remain Calm:
Aliens who abduct human beings rarely exert permanent physical harm on their victims. Basically Remain Calm and Carry On.

2. Cover your eyes:
Press the inside of your elbow tightly over your face to shield your eyes from the painfully bright lights that will encircle your body when they locate you.

3. Focus on remaining conscious:
Nearly all abductees are rendered insensible during the abduction phase and probing phase and only recover the memory later. Maintain active awareness by pinching yourself or digging your nails into your thighs or palms or smacking your face repeatedly. Chant, “I’m awake, I’m awake, I am alive, I am awake and alive,” as you are tractor-beamed into the night sky by the light beams that take you to the mother ship.

4. Be observant:
Noting every aspect of the mother ship’s interior, including the color and shape of the aliens themselves, it will keep your mind distracted from the terror of the probing station and devices. It will also assist you in detailing your experience later to others.

5. Be cooperative:
Obey the aliens’ instructions, which could range from removing your false teeth to learning their alien language or procreation with their alien leader. Refer to #1 if you get confused here.

6. Call someone:
When the aliens deposit you back on Earth, make sure you call a friend first. Tell them all about your experience. Then call the local paper or news channel but first make sure you have put some clothes on because you will most likely be naked when you wake up in the middle of nowhere.

7. Spread the message:
Tell as many people as possible about the aliens and any warnings they asked you to communicate to the human beings of Earth. Start a twitter account, Facebook page and blog about it all. You could be famous.

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